Entry #9

August 9, 2018 Tomorrow is my eldest’s fourth birthday. This is probably the first time I haven’t forced a smiled in a picture since my dad’s death ten weeks ago. Growing up, birthdays were filled with disappointment and tears. Not because I didn’t get the gifts I wanted, but having to deal with friends being … More Entry #9

Entry #8

Forgive. When I have revealed my fragmented heart and jumbled soul to others during this time of grief, a common question I’ve received is if I forgive my dad. It is more nuanced than simply saying yes or no. Forgiveness is commonly communicated as a moment of temporary or permanent amensia, as we look past … More Entry #8

Entry #7

24 days since they found my dad dead. In the past three weeks, a sadness and unraveling has overtaken me. I took a week off to mourn with my family. We shared stories and meals and reminisced about the past. Pictures have been shared that captured memories now frozen in time. For being my dad … More Entry #7

Entry #6

June 17th, 2018 I originally wrote the following 3 years ago, a month and half from Ellie’s 1st birthday. On this Father’s Day, my heart is heavy for a multitude of reasons. Reading and seeing the separation of fathers from their children across this country and around the world is devastating. The wounds from my … More Entry #6

Entry #5

June 14th, 2018 Two weeks today, I got the phone call my dad was found dead. Since that time I was able to spend time with my sister, her husband, and my dad’s three sisters. Memories were made and old ones discovered. Grief and loss are odd companions on this journey. They are cruel and … More Entry #5

Entry #4

June 12th, 2018 There is a tension building within me. It is encouraging to hear from others that I will never be my father. But, the facts remains, that I do resemble him in many ways. Growing up, I had always been compared to my mother, in character and looks throughout my life. When we … More Entry #4

Entry #3

June 7th, 2018 When I was in elementary school, I ran away from home. I packed an old suitcase with a yearbook from when my mom worked at a nearby college and nothing more. I didn’t pack any toys or clothes, because I told my young self that I was going to start new and … More Entry #3