Over the past 7 years, I’ve been going through a massive deconstruction and reconstruction of my beliefs. Deconstruction is viewed by many as an abandoning of central beliefs or values. In more simple terms, if you poke and prod at views that are held tightly, you’re dismissed as a heretic who is viewed more like … More deconstructing and discovering
My dear sweet Ellie, 48 hours ago, you turned 4 years old. It has brought me joy to see your face light up when you were asked how old you are. I love that your response by enthusiastically counting on your fingers to 4. There has never been a boring moment since you came into … More A Letter To My 4 Year Old Daughter
August 9, 2018 Tomorrow is my eldest’s fourth birthday. This is probably the first time I haven’t forced a smiled in a picture since my dad’s death ten weeks ago. Growing up, birthdays were filled with disappointment and tears. Not because I didn’t get the gifts I wanted, but having to deal with friends being … More Entry #9
Forgive. When I have revealed my fragmented heart and jumbled soul to others during this time of grief, a common question I’ve received is if I forgive my dad. It is more nuanced than simply saying yes or no. Forgiveness is commonly communicated as a moment of temporary or permanent amensia, as we look past … More Entry #8
24 days since they found my dad dead. In the past three weeks, a sadness and unraveling has overtaken me. I took a week off to mourn with my family. We shared stories and meals and reminisced about the past. Pictures have been shared that captured memories now frozen in time. For being my dad … More Entry #7
June 17th, 2018 I originally wrote the following 3 years ago, a month and half from Ellie’s 1st birthday. On this Father’s Day, my heart is heavy for a multitude of reasons. Reading and seeing the separation of fathers from their children across this country and around the world is devastating. The wounds from my … More Entry #6
June 14th, 2018 Two weeks today, I got the phone call my dad was found dead. Since that time I was able to spend time with my sister, her husband, and my dad’s three sisters. Memories were made and old ones discovered. Grief and loss are odd companions on this journey. They are cruel and … More Entry #5
